These poems have been written by Vida service users. Some were submitted as part of 2020’s national 16 Days of Action to End Violence Against Women & Girls campaign.
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The terror gone
Black pit no more
Only emptiness
Listlessness
Scent of my old life
In the breeze
The warmth of the air
Fills me with sadness
A void to fill
But how?
Unsure how to move
Plan
Live
A survivor so long
So many choices
Now mine
Still stuck
Maybe time
Will show me the way
So used to being follower
The time has come
For me to be a leader in my own life
Where will I lead and
How far will I travel
To find answers
And become
My own woman
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Freedom
Memories creep in
Making me shudder
wanting to curl into a ball and rock
Huddled on the airport floor
Hiding, praying he won’t find me
Safety in numbers
Limping to the toilets
Every step agony
Are you ok someone asks
‘Yes’ I reply
Whisking an egg
You use your wrist, don’t stir he says
His voice as clear now as it was then
Frozen for years
Hating myself
Blaming myself
Freedom came
the past remains
I’m free I remind myself
I flew unsteadily away
Each day I soar higher
Towards hope and love
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You beat me down:
You beat me down
With your bile
Each word sliced through me
Cut me down
Inch by inch I shrunk
Your hate stripped me of my self-respect
Of my self worth
Until I was nothing but a pool oozing despair on the floor
Only then did you ‘forgive’
I had repented
Learned my lesson
All would be well
I was no longer a ‘danger’ that didn’t deserve to live
I believed you
I believed every lie
I gave up everything as my selfishness had destroyed all
Yet it was never enough for you
I was never enough
The more I gave the more you demanded
I owed you, you said
I had to do my penance
I had to accept nothing from you but give you everything
I hate you but
I love you
You were wrong
You deserved nothing
You have nothing
I thought I should die
Now I live
I give
Not to you though
Never again
I owe you nothing
I never did
I hope you and your ego are miserable together
You deserve it
You tried to destroy me
Grind me down to nothing
For what?
Your ego
You lost the best thing you ever had
I got my life back.
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Why ?
Why do you make me feel like this?
After all I do for you,
All, I’ve done is love you,
And that’s all I want back to.
Why do you raise your hand to me?
And blacken both my eyes,
But as each day passes,
My love for you never dies.
Why do you rip my hair out?
Or kick me in my back,
But I still do everything for you,
And you give me so much flack.
Why do you scream and strangle me?
And spit right at my face,
Call me nasty names all the time,
Even though you have your own space.
Why do you make me feel so small?
In front of friends when we are out,
I can’t even question or ask you,
Cos if I did I’d get a clout.
Why won’t you give me any money?
For shopping, bills or my phone,
If we haven’t got what you want here,
You just kick off, scream and moan.
Why have I got a time limit?
For anything I need to do,
You know that I don’t go far,
And all I want is you.
Why are you texting other woman?
As we lay next to each other in bed,
It makes me cry so much inside,
AS, ‘’I love you’’ is what you said.
Why do you shout when my phone rings,
Which is not much as you can see,
You’ve stopped my friends calling,
And now your stopping family.
Why go out every night drinking?
Then come home angry at me,
I love you more and more each day,
Give me a chance and you will see.
Why do you play mind games?
And mess so much with my head,
Its making me feel horrible now,
Even wishing I was……..DEAD.
Why do you make me feel like this?
Like I’m alone, no good, lost and lonely,
All I’ve ever done is showed you love,
And you’re my one and only.
Why have I got no control over my life?
Or control who I talk to and see,
I’m losing all my friends now,
But even worse……., my family.
Why can’t you go out and come home nice?
Instead of so angry and full of abuse,
Please just leave me alone for one night,
Or it’s me that you will lose.
Why have you done this tonight?
An ambulance had to be called now,
Vision is blurred, I’m shaking and neck so
stiff,
Where’s all the aggression from? Please tell
me now.
Why when I try and talk to you?
You just say, ’’f**k off’’ it’s all in the past,
No, this just happened last night,
Now my love for you is fading fast.
Why do you make me feel so scared?
For myself and my princess in our own
home,
You blame me for the police coming out,
But why? When you hide my phone.
Why when we are out do I feel so ashamed?
And that people are judging me,
It makes me feel so inadequate,
If only they knew and could see.
Why can’t I have an opinion?
About where we go or things we do?
I’m finding this hard to deal with,
But still, I keep loving you.
Why do you treat me like a child?
You don’t talk you scream and shout,
Seems the only time you lower your tone,
Is if we with friends or out and about.
Why can’t you just be honest with me?
I can see straight through your lies,
But now you get me questioning myself,
And accuse me of other guys.
Why you so jealous over Eleanor?
When I sit with her and read,
You stomp around like a spoilt child,
She’s my priority and has a need.
Why say ‘’sorry’’ and you ‘’love me’’?
When clearly you don’t care less,
You treat me like shit all the time,
And now my life’s a mess.
Why cut, rip and tear my clothes?
My cd’s, make up and stuff,
I’ve always appreciated all that I have,
But all you can say is ‘’hey life’s tough’’.
Why you so nice to other people?
And so nasty and violent to me,
If we so bad to be around,
Move out and let us be.
Why when I tried to get you help?
Did you throw it back in my face,
You promised that you would stop
drinking,
So our lives would be a happier place.
Why did you cause so many injuries to me?
And then laugh when I was in pain,
You never took it serious enough,
Why? Did you think it was a game?
Why am I living my life on eggshells?
I feel too weak to fight anymore,
Why do you treat me like a prisoner,
And make me afraid to go out of the door.
Well now this shit is over,
And we can start to rebuild our lives,
You have been removed from us now,
So stop telling people I’m going to be your
wife.
Why you still trying to control me?
And telling people so many lies,
Just stay out of my life and business,
As with you I have no ties.
Why was I so stupid?
As now I have no trust,
In men or people around me,
But I’ll get better as it’s a must.
Someday I will find a real man,
That will take good care of me,
And all this shit will be in the past,
I will be happy just wait and see.
So till then I will stay single,
And Eleanor and I will hopefully succeed,
We’ll take each day as it comes,
As each other is all we need.
But the day that I will find my prince,
And maybe get a happy ever after,
As I’m not after someone for materialistic
things,
Just love, honesty and plenty of laughter.
I’ve cried enough tears over these years,
But still had to stay strong,
It’s Eleanor and me that come first now,
Can’t afford again to get things wrong.
I suppose you’ve taught me a lesson,
And made me take a step back on life,
Obviously I need to toughen up a lot,
But so glad I weren’t your wife.
Perhaps one day you will read this,
And hopefully realise what you did was so
wrong,
But my life will be so different by then,
And the hurt and sadness long gone.
So WHY is it me that you hate so much?
When you was so nice to us at the start,
I opened up my life and loved you so much,
Just for you to break my heart.
Well no more now you will hurt us,
Even on times my lights are still dim,
Only brighter and better they can get,
Now I’m a SURVIVOR and not a VICTIM!!!
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