Survivors Stories

Initially shared as part of the annual 16 Days of Action to End Violence Against Women & Girls Campaign, women from Vida’s Eva Peer Support Group have submitted some stories from their experience of domestic abuse – and life beyond.

We have shared them here, to give information and hope to anyone else wanting to escape domestic abuse. 

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Ruth’s Story

I wanted to share my story to show that it is possible to get out of an abusive relationship. I was with my partner for over a decade and had moved abroad in 2018. The relationship had progressed from emotional abusive before becoming frequently violent after a decade, particularly after I had moved overseas with him. I had found myself increasing isolated and reliant on my partner and as a result lost my independence and confidence. I was walking on egg shells constantly and suffered depression. I didn’t tell anyone what was happening as I believed my partner when he said it was my fault and that people would side with him. Eventually, I returned to the UK with no belongings. It was incredibly hard to leave everything behind and fly back alone unsure if I would be welcome. My ex-partner had convinced me I was worthless and family and friends did not care. I have come a long way since that point with the support of family, friends and Eva.

When I returned to the UK, I eventually confided in my brother what had happened and he was so supportive showing me that there are people who will believe and support you. I also slowly confided in friends and the rest of my family. It was difficult as I still loved my partner and believed much of what he had said to me. I found the strength to end the relationship with my ex-partner – by email for safety reasons. I also went to the hospital to get my injuries checked and to see the doctor for help with my depression. Through my doctors surgery I was referred to Eva.

I have been part of the Arts and Crafts group for over a year now. I have met some good friends who genuinely care about me and understand what I have been through. They have also had similar experiences. There was no pressure to talk about my experience – it was more a case of having a safe place to be myself and do some crafts and colouring. This was great as I had I not felt safe for so long and still have times when I’m not ok. The group has helped me see what I feel is normal and ok. I have enjoyed doing a number of activities including making an Easter bunny bag and a calendar. The craft group organiser also arranged for boxes to be sent out so that the group members could do crafts at home during lockdown.

I have completed the New Beginnings programme through Vida. This has helped me understand more about how the trauma from my abuse has affected me and suggested some coping strategies. My healing journey is continuing further through Eva one-to-one-therapy. Each step I take moves me emotionally further away from my life with my abuser.

I have a greater understanding of abusive behaviours and now realise that although the violence occurred very late in the relationship it was a progression from emotional abuse that had started very early in my relationship. Sharing my experiences with others who have been through abuse has been invaluable. I now understand that the abuse was my partner’s fault and not mine. Through the support I still receive I have been able to stop my abuser coming back into my life which I may not have been able to do before as I may not have recognised the abusive tactics he was using.

At the start of 2019 I had little confidence, I could barely sleep and was tense and hunched up most of the time. I struggled to look for work as every time I tried to fill in an application I was worried that I wasn’t good enough and hadn’t worked in a while. I also found it hard to concentrate – I couldn’t read a book or watch a tv programme. Through understanding what happened to me my sleep and concentration have improved. I feel much safer than I have in a long time – thanks to Eva and the support of family and friends. I can see the positives in my life and am able to hold onto these in bad times. The support I have received has been life changing. When I returned to the UK I was physically and emotionally scarred and now I feel stronger and happier than I have in years. I still have a lot to process but I can sleep better at night and have made some good friends. I am slowly learning to trust myself and other people more. This has enabled me to find work and get involved in volunteering. I feel like I am finding myself and am in a place where I can help other people and continue to rebuild my life.

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Hannah’s Story

As I woke up and looked around at the doctors around me I kept thinking this must be a dream?… Maybe I had an accident and they had got it all wrong! My face was black and blue and I had finger marks around my neck. I was photographed , swabbed and examined. The hotel had called the police and told them what had happened, as guests in hotel room next door had heard arguing and me screaming. The police kept asking about how this had happened…the person who was supposed to love me had inflicted a head fracture and raped me, on a holiday that was meant to be a fresh start for us. Well in a way it was for me!!!!!

When I was informed my partner was in custody , I knew the past few months had accumulated to this moment. It had always been hidden away from the world. Now it was out there. You would have thought I would have left years ago, escaped the daily abuse but I didn’t. It’s so hard to explain why you don’t leave!…Maybe you can’t believe it’s happening!  You can somehow stop this? It’s your fault  or he will carry out his threats to kill himself or even worse me and our unborn child, or I am that useless person he tells me, and I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own!

Again he wasn’t prosecuted as I withdraw my support…  I took further beatings and his control and abuse got worse. It  reached a new intensity.   I was left with no self-esteem,  all that confidence I once had, had gone. I had no self-worth, in fact most days I wished I wasn’t here…. I made 2 attempts to end my life. I lost touch with friends and family. I was told what to wear, even what to eat. My whole existence was controlled.  Luckily I had one person I confided in… my midwife.  She didn’t judge me , she listened and guided me and helped me take those necessary steps to begin a new life. Now when I look back …8 years it is,  I wonder how I got through those very dark days…..I felt it was me being punished for his abuse.  I had to be relocated without my family, friends, belongings. No money, no access to money without documents such as my passport , birth certificate. He had kept such things lock away from me. I couldn’t even get into a refuge because I had never claimed benefits….7 months pregnant I was, but I did take those steps that strength was always there and once I got away from him I knew it wasn’t me, it was not my fault HE had inflicted the abuse.

 During my journey I had people who cared or who went that extra mile, my midwife , who then got me in touch with women’s aid, who then supported me for the first 2 years. My outreach worker “ my guardian angel” I call her! She got me accommodation , help me furnish it, even got me baby things and helped me get back a life without his abuse. She always went that extra mile,  nothing was ever too much.  Even when he found me and I was rehomed again she stuck by me and would be there at the end of the phone to hear my tears and fears.

When you leave abuse it is harder then dealing with the abuse. I perfectly understand why so many women go back to their abuser you have to find deep courage, strength like you have never felt, but trust me you can, it has always been there.

 It never goes away…. “that fear” but you manage it and day by day and that strength and confidence gets stronger. Now he knows the strength and confidence I have and won’t  dare to come near us. See that’s what made the abuse stop when I unleashed the strength and confidence to stand up to him. Just over 7 years now and he has not come near us, He has never missed a CSA payment, he did at the start, even refused to accept he was the father but when I unleashed court proceedings , police arrests his threats and control all stopped.

Now when I look back I don’t have hate or anger,  I am pleased I faced the abuse ( you probably reading this and thinking what the hell is she saying…) but I wouldn’t be the person I am today and I wouldn’t have met so many supportive people who have guided me….my NHS midwife….my outreach worker….my therapist at Vida ……yes I have the scars, and memories I cannot forget , but I have my angel daughter. There are moments she reminds me so much of him, her stubbornness, his eyes, but I don’t feel hate, the exact opposite. We would have been nothing like the mother and daughter we are today. I am now back with my beautiful family, all my family together, and I am so proud of the journey I have accomplished to get here. The message I will leave you with ……you feel it’s you, your fault…no one will believe you, but you will be believed! You do have that strength, to continually face abuse and reach out for help takes enormous strength.  You are not alone, and you will be believed…….Tragically abuse is all too common but you will join the group of ladies who share and have one thing in common……..a tragic awful journey of the abuse they have faced and the inspirational women they have become.

Today I facilitate the women’s group I attended on my journey and have become that confident, happy if not a better person than I once was.

My life was controlled by the abuse  but that isn’t my future.

I dedicate this to

E my midwife who got me away from the abuse

T my support worker who cared and protected us.

J my Vida therapist who listened and unleashed my confidence.

Lovely ladies I have met at the women’s group including my bestie xx

My beautiful guardian angel “my daughter”.

My partner and children for all their love and always being there. 

Thank you to my abuser as I wouldn’t be the better person I am today.

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